Very often we hear the phrase “Give yourself permission to fail”. Well I think that’s great but what I have learned is that what I need is permission to try again. I have learned that for me, it very often takes many tries get something right, or to make a change. Not only because my memory is so bad that sometimes I don’t remember what I have done. But also because if I dont or cant do something right the first time I give up. I am learning that just because I fail once this does not mean it cant be done or its a bad idea. I just means I may have to try again…and again…and again. Hopefully making adjustments along the way so I am not just defining insanity. Having Fibromyalsia has taught me that what is impossible today may not be tomorrow. And it has also taught me that what I used to be able to do, I may not be able to the same way anymore.
It’s easy to give up. To just say, I already tried that and never do it again. Or see how someone else does something and think, if I cant do it like they do it, I cant do it at all. Someone once told me about this thing called adaptive skills. Great concept. One problem. There is no one, hard and fast manual on how to adapt. And adapting is not just about all of a sudden being totally comfortable with doing something different. Maybe some people can do that, but that is defiantly not me. I figured out with the help of an amazing therapist, that the first step, is letting go of what used to be…what I used to be able to do. That, in and of itself is not easy at all. While I was still wallowing in my past there was no way I can even try to figure out any other way to do anything. Once I figured out that I needed to stop looking back, the problem became, now I have to figure out how to do things and who I am now. Its not just, “ ok I’m gonna do it this way now”. Its basically learning how to do something all over again. Moreover I am becoming a different person with a completely different way of thinking and problem solving. So its kinda nuts to think that its gonna go all perfect the first time.
All of that doesn’t even begin to cover the fear. So much fear. Having to change how you do the most fundamental of things can really play havoc with your self worth. What if I don’t do it right? What if I embarrass myself? What are people going to think of me? Are they going to judge me? It’s terrifying!
I talk myself out of things again and again. No matter how good my idea might be. No matter how much I need to do something. Fear will stop me in my tracks and make me rethink everything. I will talk myself out of even the things I want to do the most. I will sit paralyzed for hours afraid to even confront that thing that I need or want to do. What if I do it wrong? What if by doing it wrong I hurt someone I love? But then by not doing it am I hurting someone. Which I think about long before I worry about what this is doing to me.
All of those things pile up squarely on my shoulders. All of which, I put there.
Overwhelmed, weighed down, paralyzed, terrified. The only way out is a path I have to travel alone. Ok maybe not completely alone. I have this amazing therapist that most of the time just feels like this really cool friend that listens to me bitch and tells me its ok to feel the way I do. It’s funny how my friends and family can tell me all day long that I am doing ok and it takes a perfect stranger to make me believe it, but with out those friends and family non of this would mean anything.
So, permission to fail, permission to try again, believing those friends and family that they are strong enough to take it if I accidentally hurt them. All boils down to one thing for me.
Most people would say that it’s courage. And yes that is what other people call it. But like everything else what other people see isn’t exactly right for me. The word for me is something more like… Fuck it. Yup. Fuck it.
I have to invoke the rebellion with in me. The defiant, Stubborn, women that can just say Fuck it. Imma do it anyway. I kinda gotta get mad. Get mad at me in the most positive way possible. Does that make sense? Probably not completely. Which means its perfect for me.
Fuck it. I am going to stumble and fall. I am going to look like I have no idea what I am doing from time to time and some times I wont. But I will learn from it and I will get better the next time I try. So Fuck it.
Sometimes I am going to break down and cry and want to give up and I am going to wallow for a while. Fuck it
I am going to forget stuff. I am going to forget why it didn’t work the first time and I am going to do the same thing again. I have people that love me in my life that will be there for me to gently remind me and help me find another way or just cheer me on. So Fuck it.
I still want to live. I still want to see my friends and go places It is going to be a little more difficult to do some things because my body doesn’t work the way it used to. Fuck it.
Each time I say Fuck it I am going to get stronger and do more and be happier in the body I have now.
And anytime anyone wants to say Fuck it with me I will be more than happy to shout it to the world with you.
I am what I am. Right her right now. I am not what I used to be. I am not my mistakes. I am not my disabilities. I am the ever changing, ever evolving me. And I am going to try and try again as many times as I need to.