Chronic

This site is about me learning about. being me. Part of being me is learning to live with a chronic illness. Not to mention a few other fun miladies.  This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I have given birth twice. I have made the decision to not give birth once. I have had to start over from nothing. I had said good bye to loved ones on their last day on earth. I have kissed my 6 week old baby’s chest for last time without a scar as he was taken off to have open heart surgery.  But all of those things are…..in the past. But chronic illness is never in the past. It’s more like it makes you leave part of what you are in the past.

I was a dancer. I was a sword fighter. (yes really) I was physical. I was strong. I was a leader.  I was, I was I was.  I got diagnosed with Fibromyalsia shortly after my first son was born and then just recently with Degenerative Disk Disease and bi lateral sciatica. The DDD and sciatica could be fixed. One day. Maybe. But the Fibro is forever. Chronic they call it. A nice way of saying, live with it.  So the question becomes, How.  How do you live with something that is taking your life away? The easy answer is, you adapt. And that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Maybe it’s just me. Maybe other people don’t struggle as much as I do. But this isn’t about them. This is about my journey in figuring out exactly how to “deal with it”.

I am doing all the things they tell you your supposed to do. Take it one day at a time. Get therapy. Make sure you have a support structure.  Learn adaptive skills. But to really live with it day by day is another matter. Sometimes I feel like the more work I do the worse it gets. The fact of the matter is, growth hurts.  Not just ow hurt. Screaming, crying, ripping,  heart wrenching, pain. The kind of pain that makes you cry for mercy and loose consciousness. Physically and mentally debilitating pain. Drowning in sorrow, anxiety, and fear every day. And every day trying to see through all that pain, to the growth. That growth is fragile. Little tiny sprouts in a stampede of giant beasts.  That little sprout is fed by the blood sweat and tears that come with all that hard work. I do believe that in the long run it is all worth it, but it doesn’t make the illness go away. It’s chronic. So no matter what you do, no matter how hard you work or don’t work its still there. This dark cloud hovering over everything. Every thing I do, I have to think about if I am going to have enough energy, what I might have to do the next day that I am going to need energy for.  Am I even going to physically be able to do it since i can’t walk or stand for more than a minute.

Then there is the anxiety and fear of thinking people are going to treat me weird or judge me. I am going to have to start using a wheel chair soon. What are people going to think? Are they going to think that because I can walk a little that i should not use a wheel chair. I struggle with my weight. Are people going to think i am only in a wheel chair because I am fat?  On and on the cycle goes. I am going to learn to break it….someday. Hey having the chair means I can go to Disney.

So I struggle. I cry. I reach out. I sleep…a lot. I go to therapy. My therapist is amazing by the way. He says I have come a long way.  I kinda gotta take his word for it right now.  I lean heavily on my Partner. And I keep trying.  And I write this blog. Why? So maybe some of you out there keep trying too.

Please follow and like us:

562 Comments

  1. ISM Phototake 3) Watney Ninth Phototake, Canada online drugstore Phototake, Biophoto Siblings Adjunct Therapy, Inc, Impaired Rheumatoid Lupus LLC 4) Bennett Hundred Calaboose Situations, Inc 5) Transient Atrial Activation LLC 6) Stockbyte 7) Bubonic Resection Class LLC 8) Patience With and May Fall payment WebMD 9) Gallop WebbWebMD 10) Skedaddle Resorption It LLC 11) Katie Judge and May Exhibit after WebMD 12) Phototake 13) MedioimagesPhotodisc 14) Sequestrum 15) Dr. prozac generic Nxvdpn nqgmmy

    Reply
  2. Architecture entirely to your acquiescent generic cialis 5mg online update the ED: alprostadil (Caverject) avanafil (Stendra) sildenafil (Viagra) tadalafil (Cialis) instrumentation (Androderm) vardenafil (Levitra) As a service to some men, advanced in years residents may announce rise ED. pay to do my assignment Xatgqn wevmeo

    Reply
  3. I am extremely inspired together with your writing talents as neatly as with the format to your weblog. Is this a paid subject matter or did you customize it yourself? Either way stay up the excellent high quality writing, it’s rare to see a great blog like this one nowadays..

    Reply
  4. In January matrix year, wee xssbfu level ill. It’s okay, honourable a submissive cialis generic, which passed in five days. But the temperature without warning returned past the end of the month: the thermometer showed 47. The servant was urgently hospitalized with fever and convulsions. A scattering hours later, three-year-old Yegor stopped breathing – he fell into a coma. With the commandeer of a ventilator and a tracheostomy, the doctors resumed the charge of the lungs, but oxygen starvation struck the brain. The kid has lost the whole shebang that he managed to learn in three years. The diagnosis is posthypoxic encyphalopathy.

    Reply
  5. Greetings from Ohio! I’m bored at work so I decided to browse your blog on my iphone during lunch break. I love the knowledge you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m shocked at how fast your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, excellent blog!

    Reply
  6. Our doctor consideration that Dad was it is possible that uniform better than Mom in this situation. Stricter, more persistent, bequeath not regret at intervals again when you want to take adverse generic cialis. Well, I wanted to send my helpmate a break.
    I dog-tired a itty-bitty exceeding a month in the concentrated care unit and two and a half months in the bone marrow uproot unit. There I became a benefactor after my son. I’m glad I was able to stop him. I was the only gentleman’s gentleman in both departments, but my parents were already there. That is, a gentleman’s gentleman in the repulse with a sprog is no longer a rarity.

    Reply
  7. I comment each time I like a article on a site or if I have something to add to the discussion. It is a result of the passion communicated in the article I read. And after this post CF Colors v 2.1, Post Formats Admin UI v1.3.1, and Social v2.10 : alexking.org. I was moved enough to post a comment 😉 I actually do have a couple of questions for you if you tend not to mind. Could it be just me or do some of the responses come across like coming from brain dead folks? 😛 And, if you are writing on other social sites, I would like to follow anything fresh you have to post. Could you list every one of your community sites like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

    Reply
  8. Does your site have a contact page? I’m having a tough time locating it but, I’d like to shoot you an email. I’ve got some ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great website and I look forward to seeing it improve over time.

    Reply
  9. Hello there! This blog post couldn’t be written much better! Looking through this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He continually kept preaching about this. I most certainly will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a great read. Thank you for sharing!

    Reply
  10. In children born formerly 32 weeks of gestation, cerebral immaturity often leads to intraventricular hemorrhage (IVH): this occurs in 60-90% of cases. With hemorrhages of the third and fourth degrees, the circulation of cerebrospinal fluid is apprehensive, which leads to enlargement of the ventricles of the perceptiveness and hydrocephalus http://withoutsubscription.com viagra. It is severe IVH and post-hemorrhagic hydrocephalus that often lead to the termination of impulsive babies.

    Reply
  11. Thanks for your marvelous posting! I actually enjoyed reading it, you could be
    a great author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and will
    eventually come back from now on. I want to encourage you to continue your great
    writing, have a nice weekend!송송넷

    Reply
  12. Thanks for your marvelous posting! I actually enjoyed reading it, you could be
    a great author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and will
    eventually come back from now on. I want to encourage you to continue your great
    writing, have a nice weekend!쏘걸

    Reply
  13. Hello! Someone in my Myspace group shared this website with us so I came to look it over. I’m definitely loving the information. I’m bookmarking and will be tweeting this to my followers! Excellent blog and terrific style and design.

    Reply
  14. Hi, Neat post. There’s an issue together with your web site in internet explorer, might check this? IE nonetheless is the marketplace chief and a huge component to other people will omit your fantastic writing due to this problem.

    Reply
  15. May I simply say what a relief to uncover somebody that really knows what they’re discussing online.
    You actually know how to bring a problem to light and make it important.
    More and more people have to look at this and understand this side of the story.
    I was surprised you aren’t more popular given that
    you definitely possess the gift. http://www.bee-rich.com/

    Reply
  16. Greetings from Idaho! I’m bored at work so I decided to check out your blog on my iphone during lunch break. I really like the knowledge you present here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m shocked at how fast your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, superb site!

    Reply

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.